Forgive him for yourself

Forgiveness is a step that a person takes primarily for himself in order to get rid of the effect of the event. The person who cannot forgive cannot change what happened. At most, he can determine what to do next. It ensures that the effects of the event do not affect us for life, or carry it in our pockets. If we want to see how not forgiving affects us, we can bring the event to our mind and see how we felt at that moment. If we are experiencing intense emotions, it shows that we still cannot forgive. We can also see that we have stored those emotions because we cannot forgive, and how it is ignited by the slightest spark (seeing it, similar news on TV, when it happens to someone else, a news on the subject, etc.). However, not forgiving is both a burden on our mental health and a huge obstacle to the continuation of the relationship. The decision to either heal or terminate the related person can be made healthier by the completion of the forgiveness process.

Why can’t we forgive

– One of the biggest concerns of a person who does not want to forgive is to experience the same thing again. Therefore, most of the time, he does not want to forgive in order not to experience the same thing again. It keeps things hot and on the agenda.

– The person who does not want to forgive does not want to forgive by thinking, “It should not be that simple.” He thinks that if this is forgiven immediately and disappears from the agenda, he will be left behind. He wants to pay the price.

– The person who does not forgive does not want to forgive because he thinks that the person who hurt him and the people around him will think that he is weak, proud and helpless.

– The person who does not want to forgive thinks that the relationship should work, as if nothing has happened.

– The person who does not want to forgive, to pay the price With the effort, endurance and price of the other person, he both measures the value he gives to himself and thinks that he has earned. detects it as an attack. It tries to protect and collect its value by not forgiving.

So what is forgiveness

Forgiveness is a behavior that applies primarily to ourselves and our mental health.

We only experience the reflections of protection and refraction. What the person above unwilling to forgive thinks is actually wrong. People cannot forgive because they perceive forgiveness as compromise. Also, the lack of effort of the person who needs to be forgiven and not admitting his mistake also hinders the forgiveness process.

First of all, we will forgive. In addition, the other person values ​​us, and if he wants to maintain his relationship with us, he has to make a lot of self-criticism and admit his mistake. However, if the person in front of us does not admit his mistake and does not want to continue his relationship with us, even if he does not admit his mistake, we still need to forgive. We can forgive by breaking our relationship with him. In other words, forgiveness is a work done without depending on the other person. Our absolute forgiveness should not depend on the efforts of the other person. His effort may contribute to the continuation of the communication / relationship. On the other hand, by not forgiving, we ensure that the person who makes the mistake pays the price, and we transfer the logic of payback to him. “I made a mistake and he paid me the price by not forgiving.” We prevent feelings of guilt, regret and embarrassment in those who make mistakes with the thought of.

– Absolutely not to blame ourselves for what happened.

– It is to forgive ourselves and those who upset us.

– Forgiveness means not carrying emotions such as grudge, anger, hatred, anger, resentment about what happened in our pockets throughout our lives. (What will we change if we move?)

– To forgive, to get rid of the effect of the event, not to take the role of victim because of the emotions it creates. (People who do not forgive experience a loss of self-esteem.)

– To forgive is not to appropriate the event. (Not saying what I have done to deserve it.)

– To forgive is to accept that the behavior is related to the person who does it.

– To forgive is not to make peace. We can end our communication with him by forgiving.

– To forgive is not to forget. Our mind cannot forget anything that has already happened.

– Forgiveness is not weakness. An event can never bring us down. We were deceived, deceived, insulted etc. Humankind has the potential to cope with anything. We shouldn’t let the incident take control of us.

It is not letting it affect us for life.

– Forgiveness provides forgiveness when a person makes a mistake. Forgive so he will be forgiven.

– Forgiveness is difficult, but possible and necessary

– We should not force ourselves to forgive. Forgiveness is a process that cannot be decided immediately.

– Forgiveness is a virtue. It is not to succumb to the ego.

– Forgive to get rid of your own happiness and burdens

– Forgiveness is ordered by religion. (It is Allah who forgives, and man forgives by being subject to Allah and by imitating His morality.)

Because the owner of property, who has the right in existence, is Allah. Man does not really have a right. Our forgiveness is essentially not a blessing but knowing our limits. (E.Demirli)

A’RÂF – 199th verse. “Take the path of forgiveness, order the good, turn away from the ignorant.”

Marriage and Relationship Therapist Serhat Foreigner


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